100 Alternative Therapies to Try Before you Die (Part 2: 51-100)

Here is a list of the next 50 Alternative therapies to try before you die. They continue to be listed in an absolute order of importance to humanity. Of course I vouch for none of these therapies nor the usefulness or validity of the associated links.

  1. ReflexologyApplication of pressure on certain parts of the feet, hands, or ears to produce an effect elsewhere in the body by reflex manipulation of the body’s Qi meridians. Reflexologists believe that reflex points correspond to different body organs and can be used for health benefits. Tickle you toe = cure your heart disease. There is a lot of false advertising where you go in for a reflexology session and you instead get a crappy foot massage by an unlicensed exploited Chinese immigrant.
  2. RadionicsClaims disease can be diagnosed and treated with radio waves by balancing the “discordant frequencies of sickness.” In the early 1900’s a dude named Albert Abrams leased out radionic machines and made millions in profit. And so began Radio Shack…
  3. Rolfing “Structural Integration” invented by biochemist Ida Rolf in the 1940s. It is comprised of a series of ten physical manipulations that align a person’s energy field with the Earth’s gravitational field. This realignment improves the biomechanical function of the body as a whole through reorganization of the body’s connective tissue. Is it me or doesn’t “Rolfing”  sound like a really dirty sex act?
  4. Salt Therapy (Halotherapy) Utilizes the unique properties of salt. Everything from treating bronchitis with inhalation of saline solutions to bathing in saline baths and undergoing salt scrubs. They are pending a merger with the pepper industry.
  5. Tai Chi Low impact Chinese martial art that is used as an exercise to decrease stress and increase flexibility and balance. Helps old people fall less. Cool thing to do in a park in the morning.
  6. Equine-Assisted Therapy (EAT) Uses horses to promote physical and mental health. Riding horses by patients with neurological disorders can improve strength, balance, posture, and mobility. Can also be used by patients with behavioral disorders as a form of psychotherapy. It’s one of the few therapies that you can also race.
  7. Traditional Korean Medicine Ancient Korean medicine emphasizing the importance of mind and body- utilizing herbs, acupuncture, and moxibustion. Modern day Korean medicine has also added a tremendous amount of plastic surgery to these traditional therapies.
  8. Therapeutic Touch Therapists place their hands on or just near a patient to manipulate the patent’s energy field to promote healing. The irony of therapeutic touch is it does not require actual touch.
  9. Trigger Point Controversial idea of “trigger points”- hyperirritable spots in the fascia surrounding the muscle and associated with nodules and bands of muscle fibers. Treatment utilizes myotherapy or massage, trigger point injections with local anesthetics or steroids, or pulsed ultrasound. Doctor: Does it hurt right here? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well I am going to ram my fist into it then. Patient: Sounds awesome. Doctor: That will be $500.
  10. Unani Medicine– A holistic Perso-Arabic medicine practiced in the Muslim area of Mughal India and Central Asia and based on the teaching of the Greek physicians Hippocrates and Galen. Rooted in the four Humors: Phlegm, Blood, Yellow Bile, Black Bile. The imbalance of these can cause disease. Not to be confused with Umami Burgers.
  11. Urine Therapy The application of human urine for medicinal or cosmetic purposes-even drinking one own urine. One example might be peeing on a jellyfish sting to neutralize the sting toxins (this doesn’t work btw). I think another example of a type of urine therapy may have been what Donald Trump was involved with in that hotel room in Russia with the two prostitutes. I guess one of the girls must have been stung by a Russian jellyfish.
  12. Vaginal Steaming A women squats au naturel over a steaming pot of water containing special herbs. Has been practiced in Africa, Asia, and Central America and now high income Angelenos at Gwenyth Paltrow’s recommendation. It claims to cleanse and revitalize the vagina and uterus. Ummm…. #metoo?
  13. Sweat Lodge Native American purification ceremony where you sit in a lodge and sweat out all the bad stuff. It’s rooted in years of tradition and spiritual practice. If you google it you can find a list of people that have died doing it improperly.
  14. Biofeedback Process that enables a person to learn how to change their own physiological activity for purposes of improving health and performance. You monitor such things as brainwaves, heart rate, respiratory rate, muscle activity, and skin temperature and obtain real time data.  The person then attempts to control their own body’s functions under certain stressors, utilizing this measured data as feedback. If you concentrate hard enough, you can lower your heart rate. Useful to use to master in case you need to trick a lie detector test.
  15. Naturopathy Promotes the body’s self healing through natural holistic and noninvasive methods in order to decrease stress and promote the body’s ability to heal. Sound good?? They often shun evidence based medicine- like surgery and drugs. Not sure what the treatment would be if you are stabbed in the face… aromatherapy??
  16. Vega Testing A type of electroacupuncture device invented in the 1950s that claims to be able to diagnose allergies and other illnesses. The device measures the change in skin conductivity after application of small voltage to certain acupuncture sites. Marketed as a synthesis of traditional Chinese medical knowledge and cutting edge western technology…kinda like Panda Express. 
  17. Detoxifying Foot Pads– Claims certain ingredients applied to the feet can draw out circulating toxins from the body. The toxins are expelled via sweat from the bottom of the feet and turn the foot pads a dark color. This can improve sleep, increase energy, and restore balance to the body. Pads that get dirty when applied to the soles of feet? Who would have thought?
  18. Wheatgrass Enema A quote describing this procedure from purelifeenema.com: “You can juice 2 oz of fresh wheatgrass and pour it into your enema water for a very refreshing enema.” If there is anything more “New Age” then that, I don’t know what would be. I also have never seen the word “enema” proceeded by the adjective “refreshing”. Usually the modifying phrase is “God awful.”
  19. Ozone Therapy– Ozone has been used for years successfully as a disinfectant of water. This therapy is performed by mixing ozone (O3) into liquids and injecting it into the body all in an effort to increase the amount of oxygen in the body. The increased oxygen can be helpful in treating many different illnesses. For what it is worth, the FDA has called ozone a “toxic gas with no known useful medical application.” Maybe they should put it back into the atmosphere instead.
  20. Jade Vagina Eggs Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company Goop claims placing these eggs all up in the vagina for hours at a time. These definitively non-poultry related eggs is a “guarded secret of Chinese royalty” which can improve your sex life, balance menstrual cycles, and intensify feminine energy.  I just have to say…I way underestimated Gwyneth Paltrow.
  21. Raw Goat Milk CleanseClaims a diet of nothing but raw goat’s milk for eight straight days can cleanse body of parasites and heavy metals. Benefits of this diet are unclear, but the side effect of extreme flatulence is highly likely. So if you’re on this diet, you may want to stay off eHarmony for the week.
  22. Juicing Extracting juice from fruits and vegetables in order to remove the fiber and make it easier to digest all the healthy nutrients. A non-controversal means of consuming healthier foods. Unless of course you take into account the blender-induced genocide of all the innocent fruits and vegetables.
  23. Medical Marijuana Definition: getting a prescription from a shady doctor for some vague anxiety syndrome so you can score weed to get high. Definition (in states where recreational marijuana is now legal): using cannabis effectively for conditions such as chronic pain, glaucoma, AIDS, appetite stimulation, and nausea and vomiting with chemotherapy…and also scoring weed to get high.
  24. Raw Garlic Contains the compound allicin to help prevent heart disease, stroke, cancer, dementia and infections. Also keeps vampires away.
  25. St John’s Wart Hypericum perforatum– named so because it traditionally flowered, was harvested and hung over religious icons to ward off evil on June 24- St John’s Day.  It has been used for centuries as a medicinal herb with antidepressant activity. It can interact with a lot of medications with negative results. For example, combine it with birth control pills and the contraception effect might be lessened.  You could end up more depressed because that sensual saturday night with the on again/ off again boyfriend Fabio has now resulted in an unplanned Fabio junior.
  26. Fish Oil Rich in omega 3-fatty acids (eicosapentaenoic acid and docosahexaenoic acid). Used for years to lower triglycerides and improve cardiovascular and mental health. A large 2018 study showed taking them does not correlate with reductions in coronary artery disease or major vascular events. Whoops- you ruined it again science!
  27. Ginseng The roots of the plant have been used in Traditional Chinese Medicine for centuries to help with memory, decrease stress, and increase energy. Also makes a lovely tea.
  28. Tumeric Part of the ginger family of plants from India and Southeast Asia and used for flavoring in a lot of curries. Used in Arurvedic medicine for treatment of indigestion, common colds, throat infections and topically to treat wounds. So maybe that all-you-can-eat Indian lunch buffet should be covered by health insurance?
  29. Milk Thistle Silybum marianum–  a purple flower found throughout the world used as a natural treatment of liver problems such as cirrhosis, jaundice, hepatitis and gallbladder disease. Also used for lowering cholesterol and in type-2 diabetes. Did anyone else notice that the genus name is “Silybum?” Silly Bum?  Was this name generated by some wanna be comedian whose conservative parents forced him to go into botany?
  30. Ginkgo Biloba Used in Traditional Chinese Medicine for thousands of years to improve memory and cognitive function by improving blood flow to the brain and acting as an antioxidant. It may also be an aphrodisiac. So next Tinder date why not try a romantic ginkgo nut dinner? You’ll be turned on and likely remember all the juicy details.
  31. Saw Palmetto An extract from the saw palmetto fruit used primary for decreasing symptoms of an enlarged prostate (benign prostatic hypertrophy) and often taken preoperatively before prostate surgery in order to decrease complications of surgery. Might also work for male pattern baldness. If you go to a potluck for middle aged men, consider serving a saw palmetto fruit salad.
  32. Aloe Vera A cactus like plant used for thousands of years for medicinal purposes. Ingested for weight loss, diabetes, constipation and a host of other conditions. Also applied as a gel to the skin for rashes, burns, and other skin diseases. I know when I get a sunburn I pretty much take a bath in this stuff.
  33. Feverfew Tanacetum parthenium– a plant where the leaves are dried and ingested to prevent and treat migraines. Also used in infertility, arthritis, and itching. Was once used to decrease fevers, but it never actually worked to decrease fevers. I guess they were too lazy to change the name.
  34. Arnica– A daisy-like flower in North America used as a tincture for external treatment of  bruises, sprains, and sore muscles. It is toxic if you ingest it or it gets in your body. Wait so natural does not always mean safe? I’ve been misled.
  35. Echinacea Herb used in the traditional medicine of the Great Plains Native Americans to prevent infections like the common cold. If it’s taken as the onset of symptoms, it might prevent the cold from coming on. Since hundreds of years of modern medicine has yet to find another cure for the common cold, this could be the most powerful medicine in the world.
  36. Valerian– Herb where the root is used to treat insomnia, menopausal symptoms, anxiety, and stress. I wonder if the big budget 2017 film Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets may have bombed because of the meaning of it’s name? It put the audience to sleep.
  37. Cryogenic Chamber Therapy Involves exposing people to extremely cold dry air (below -100C) for two to four minutes while the patient wears minimal clothing. It is used to treat conditions such as multiple sclerosis, arthritis, and to prevent muscle soreness after exercise. Risks include frostbite.
  38. Beer Spa– A new European trend of taking a bath in a tub of beer billed as detoxifying and improving blood circulation. You can also drink a beer while you bath. Best. Idea. Ever.
  39. Leech Therapy Leeches have been used for thousands of years to treat just about anything. Today they are used in plastic and microsurgery as they secrete proteins that help prevent blood clots and can keep blood flowing to wounds to help them heal. The leeches are applied for 25-40 minutes at a time. Risks include freaking the fuck out.
  40. Maggot Debridement Therapy A therapy which involves introducing live, disinfected maggots into non-healing skin and soft tissue wounds for the purpose of cleaning out necrotic tissue and aiding wound healing.  Believe it or not, it is actually not an alternative medicine as maggots were approved by the FDA in 2004 as a medical device. I almost vomited just writing this.
  41. Any Clinical Trial of an Experimental Drug Clinical trials are always marketed as a potential cure. Often you are being used a test subject to discover what side effects might erupt during treatment. Every once in a while, the drug might work. At least there is a good chance you will get a great placebo effect.
  42. Shark CartilageA dietary supplement using the dried and powdered cartilage of sharks. It is marketed as able to prevent cancer because “sharks don’t get cancer.” Well…News Flash…sharks do get cancer! This supplement has been directly linked to the decline in the shark population in the ocean. Think about that logic- bananas don’t get cancer- that doesn’t mean banana bread will prevent cancer. Poor sharks.
  43. Ho’oponopono The traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. Hawaiian tradition documents a belief that illness is caused by breaking kapu or “spiritual law.” That illness cannot be cured until the sufferer and sometimes even the suffer’s family atones for the transgression. You can think of your illness as karmic payment for past transgressions. Has now been adopted a a new age alternative treatment. On the plus side, you can blame your pink eye on your grandpa being a jerk.
  44. Past Life Regression Utilizing hypnosis to recover what practitioners believe are memories of past lives. Then analyzing those memories psychotherapeutically. I guess you have to believe in reincarnation for this to work. Could my dislike for the name Brutus stem from an untimely end to one of my past lives?
  45. Colloidal Silver– A mineral marketed as a homeopathic remedy and supplement for a range of illnesses. It could be unsafe as the silver gets deposited in the skin, liver, spleen and other organs. I guess you would then need to do some of the “detoxifying” treatments of this list. Hello wheatgrass enema!
  46. Yohimbe– Bark of the yohimbe tree in Africa used to make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, anxiety, depression, and enhance exercise performance. It has been linked to rapid heart beats, kidney failure, seizure and heart attacks. Totally worth it to get laid though.
  47. Cupping– Creating a vacuum suction inside a cup placed on the skin and leaving it there for five to fifteen minutes. Helps improve the flow of stagnated Qi. Believed to help with pain, muscle knots, and swelling. People unfamiliar with the therapy might assume you drank too much tequila and in your drunken state somehow burned yourself by leaving a bunch of piping hot cups on your back.
  48. Craniosacral TherapyA form of bodywork relieving pain and tension by gentle manipulation of the joints of the skull. Claims there exists a rhythmic movement of the cranial bones and cerebral spinal fluid and manipulating the skull can attune the body with this rhythm obtaining a therapeutic result. It’s kind of awesome there is a whole discipline devoted to rubbing my head.
  49. Isolation ChamberA lightless, soundproof, tank filled with salt water heated to normal skin temperature. You enter and float inside the tank. It’s basically a sensory deprivation chamber. You are alone with your own thoughts as all sensory input is extinguished. May be useful for stress management… unless your thoughts are like mine… then it’s far far worse.
  50. Laughter Therapy– Using laughter to boost the immune system and release endorphins. Laughter has been shown to increase the quality of life for people with chronic illnesses. Sometimes the physical act of laughter is actually used alone independent of any actual triggering humor. In other words you force yourself to laugh even when things are so not funny. Kind of what you probably do during while reading this blog.

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